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lets get fucked up and die   
01:23am 16/12/2007
  i havent posted all year.

how can i sum it up.

i am about 350 days into the year.

350 days of emotions.

im single.
i live in a frat house.
i teach.
i got arrested.
i lived.
3 cars.
0 boyfriends.
countless boys.

i forget what love is.
i forget who i am.

who am i>?
01:19pm 22/02/2006
  secret suicide society.

tonight we'll celebrate
suicide via satellite.
pour me a cocktail,
tie me a noose.
and let the first meeting
be called to order.

our agenda for the night:
one drink to remember
one drink to forget
one drink to success
one drink to regret
and lastly, one to death!

choose your own death-
wash the pills down with poison,
or pull the trigger quick.
watch the memories fade
as we take our last breath.
this meeting is adjorned.
09:21pm 06/02/2006
  food for thought... some passages from "coffee and kung fu" by karen brichoux that i just read.

"So, why am I afraid? Because I'm afraid of my happiness depending upon the number of friends I make or on a man. I want to be comfortable with me. With my own skin. I want to make it on my own. I want to be alone and feel happy anyway. And I thought I was doing okay. Until now."

"Some guys...they're like bees. Have to try every flower before they die."
"Some women too."
"Nah. Women do it for the power. Men do it because they're curious and haven't figured out that one woman's about the same as t'other on the outside. It's the inside that's different. And it takes a lifetime to figure out the inside of a woman."

"Nothing in this world is more ambiguous than home and family. 'You can't go home again' directly contradicts the notion that 'There's no place like home' or 'Home is where the heart is'. But here I am, surrounded by living proof--as exhibited by my parents--that not only can you go home again, but you can outwardly transform yourself back into the person you were before you left."

"The fine art of bullshit. A moment to learn, a lifetime to master. Just like Kung Fu. And--in Jackie Chan movies, anyway--bullshit is all part of the game. Apply a little bullshit and trick the master into thinking you're hard at work, taking your pusnishment, filled with respect, injured, weak, exhausted, and even, as a last resort, trick him into thinking you have to take a piss if that will get you off the hook."

"Isn't love something out of another century?" "Kung Fu movies aren't known for romance. A lot of them should be. They are epics."

"I want him to understand. But how can I put words--labels--onto somethin that is so nebulous, so intangible? How can I describe the instand connection, the ability to reach each other, the meshing of two minds even when the bodies have been apart?"

"Maybe I'm the one who's screwed up. I don't even know what I'm looking for. Just some nebulous bullshit about communication skills. And yet...It's important to bullshit."

"Even though it's illogical, I got through life as if the people I love were planning on livin forever. As if they had a choice. I skip along my merry way, confident that when I need them, they'll be there. Most people do this. Unless forced to by illness or necessity, the human being shies away from livin with the constant reminder of death. Denial and religious fervor are the usual methods. Even people in war zones adjust. I'm not sure if it's naivete or self-delusion."

"And I'm beginning to understand something. Finally. Once upon a time, I thought I needed to get by on my own, make it on my own, be happy with just me for company. But friends--real friends--aren't just people to walk the halls with so you don't look like a lonely loser. Real friends are...life preservers. Without them, you sink. I've been trying to sweem alone, sail alone, even when the loneliness almost crushed me."
11:50pm 29/01/2006
  i just cried my eyes out for about 4 minutes, then was distracted with ebay and stopped.

am i that crazy? i can cry at the drop of a hat and stop just as quickly depending on what is consuming my head?

and if so, does that mean the only way to get 'uncrazy' is to get that tear creating thought?

because i've been trying to get rid of him since day one. and he wont get out of my life no less out of my head.

but he is out of my life-on his will not mine.

why do i love him so much when all he does is hurt me?
im masochistic with love.
it used to be booze and lack of sleep that i chose to do the job.
when did it become love?
why after all of this time, these days and weeks apart is he still
the first thing i think about when i wake up, and the last before bed.
and im still nothing. he doesnt even care that im alive.
probably wishes his love would have killed me.
but here i am, talking about him, thinking about him, in love with him.
i dont want to feel this way, but how can i stop?
its like trying to unlearn how to ride a bike.
no matter how long its been, or if you broke your leg last time,
it still seems natural and you want to try again.
05:39pm 28/01/2006
mood: morose
did i fall in love or get stuck in a rut?

i've been looking back on things i used to do, the things i said before.
like 3 years before. and i dont understand sometimes how i've changed.
and im not sure if the change is for the better or the worse.

it's just that after all that stuff i said, about wanting to live alone, and never wanted love.
those lonely nights i'd spend wrapped in someones arms just wishing to die.

i hated love. i refused to take part in it's mind wrecking. i used to live for breaking hearts
for crashing parties.

and now look at me. someone somewhere is sitting happily, smiling and saying "i told you so".
so this is what life is like when you let love in.

i think i'd be much better off the old way. when whether i meant it or not, i convinced myself
that love wasn't a real emotion, that love couldnt conquer all because love had fauly pretenses.

i wasnt like most girls. people LOVED me for it. how could they love me if i could barely love myself. i could barely believe in the concept, and what i believed was that love was only out to hurt me.

so i questioned love. i questioned myself. i thought long and hard about my options. do i live my life without love, watching everyone around me enter into the miserable world of relationships. or do i fucking put my guard down. give up everything and become a believer.

and i became a believer. my black heart beat in tune with that of someone elses for the first time. it was sewn back together with just enough heartbeat to make me feel again. i became addicted. i fell for it. love wasnt so bad to believe in when i had someone who loved me so much it could never hurt.

but then it hurt. and all i wanted was that black emotionless heart again. but it was gone. all i wanted was send this pointless emotion packing. but it was too late. it had moved in for good. it brought tears, heartache and its old friend misery with it to stay.

why do people believe in love when it always brings pain?

my relationship with love is over. i wont even so much as have another one night stand with that bitch for fear of being hurt again.

love, you promised me better things. we used to be beautiful. look at us now.
11:02pm 18/01/2006
  back to school.

i dont know why i do this to myself. i think i would be much happier if i just read a bunch of books at home and didnt have to bother with attending classes or doing homework.

because really, the reading part is the only important part of learning. and i do that much better alone in my bedroom. so why waste gass money.

whatever. i cant complain now. i just hope to soon become the oldest person to live with their parents while possessing 3 undergraduate degrees, 3 teaching certificates in different fields, and quite possibly even a masters degree pretty soon.

haha thats right. im back in school to be more qualified to teach at the high school level, but there is a good chance that instead of teaching what i learn in the fall i could be moving to hawaii and getting my masters in english.

so what's the point of all this education? i really dont know. i guess, it's just an excuse not to start the real world.
i really dont know what i want to be yet. so if i can just spend a few bucks here or there, i might as well make it educational.
im only going to go to grad school if i can go for free or near free, or free plus a graduate assistanship stipend.

but seriously. im 23. im single. why the fuck not.

im not going to put all my energy into grad school yet, because i have not even completed the application that is due in less than 2 weeks. but also because i dont know if i'll get in. i dont know if they'll like me. i dont know if its what i really want. but today, it sounds like one of my best options.

im still running away from him. im hoping 5000 miles and 5 hour phone differences will make it a little easier to stop thinking of him.

so is it all about him or all about getting a better education?

im not sure anymore.
03:06am 16/01/2006
  missing: 2.5 years
reward: you have no idea.

i had a great/interesting weekend that im really happy about for a lot of different reasons.

i love my friends. i've been having a tough time, going through a lot of sticky situations and as much as i often pushed them away from me... i dont know where i would be right now.

i just wish i took their advice a lot sooner in life.

so its a well known fact at this point that i'm single again. yeah, i know its still hard getting used to saying, but i like how i feel about myself a lot better now. i've done the 'break' thing, but you never know what to call the other person...are they your boyfriend, your ex, the guy your taking a break from...however you say it, its never right.

but im comfortable now. im over it. (well over it as best i can be for now...it gets better every day). and for the first time in a long time, i went out to a party and didnt think about him. didnt talk about him, didnt let him cross my mind as i gave my number out. didnt let him enter my thoughts when i did what i did when the party died down ;). it felt good.

its like a giant leap compared to all the baby steps i've been taking. i'm really walking away from it all now.

went to baltimore yesterday. while i'm keeping most of the trip under top secret lock and key, i'll say that it was fun. interesting, old-fashioned if you will. i felt like i was 20 again.

sometimes digressing isnt a bad thing.
i'm starting to get the hang of it.
i've retraced my steps back to a place i'd forgotten
where the nights were never ending
and beds werent meant for sleeping.
it's days like these when i miss the old days,
but still smile and laugh at what i've learned.
you cry a little, grow a little, change a little
and more importantly laugh alot with your friends.
because life will go on no matter what
so if you sit through it, stand through it
drink through it or sleep through it.
when all is said and done, the ride ends
and you better hope you made the most of it.
it shouldnt be called digressing if you like it.
just call it a reevauation of whats best.
stop and smell the roses, even if there's thorns.

i'm back. watch out. get ready. things wont be what they used to be, they'll only be what i make of them. you learn.

you can chose to live someone else's life, be something you're not. or you can fucking wake up and realize that if you keep living for someone else, you'll still die and unaccomplished person. i do this for me.

05:57pm 12/01/2006
mood: sad
this is the end of the line.
we'll never get back to fine.
i've tried everything
i regret anything
that i did up until now.

this is me being over it.
done being treated like shit.
it's a lose-lose game
and i'll take the blame
but it's the last you'll see of me.

i'll screen my calls. i'll block your screen name. i have no fucking shame.

im taking my life back.
harder than expected   
02:36pm 12/01/2006
  they say breaking up is hard.

but i've never done it before, and while its been a long time coming. this is way harder than i thought.

i moved out on december 22nd and still havent gone back to collect my belongings.

i havent seen him since christmas. when we smiled and pretended everything was going to be okay.

he still tells me he loves me, but online only. he wont answer my calls.

im trying to move on. i dont want to think about him. i dont want to care about him. i dont want to love him. i dont even want to call him up and tell him what's going on in my life.

but it's hard not to. for 2.5 years he was my everything.

now i have try every day to make him nothing.
because that is how he makes me feel. i feel like i might as well be dead.

he tells me he wants to go on dates still. he tells me he wants to marry me someday. he tells me im beautiful.
but he cant take 30 seconds out of his day to answer his phone when all i want to do is tell him about the job i got.

i dont think i even rank on his list of priorities anymore.

and even if it's only because i'm trying NOT to think of him, he's still on my list.

i hate being a sucker for love.

fuck this.
12:52pm 12/01/2006
  i started my job today.

i take back some of what i said yesturday. i dont have 10 students. i have 4. and one is out on bail and might be going to jail soon.

i wasn't in my bosses office for 10 minutes before she told me to teach in hawaii though. how weird is that. every job i've had, my cooworkers have told me to get out while i can.

but where am i? same place i've been since i was 6.

i need to get out.

but when do i go? when my 400 hours are up? or after i put in one more summer at the egg?
where do i go? do i stay in nj? move to hawaii with kelly? grad school? cali? or someplace completely different?
do i tell everyone where im going? or do i run away?

you think with all these questions on my mind i'd be doing something other than laying in my bed at 1pm on a thursday.

i'll try.
08:48pm 11/01/2006
  i start my new job tomorrow.

i should not have taken it at all. but i got nervous. it was either take another crappy part time job or really figure out what i was going to make of myself. so i took the part time thing. a guarentee of 400 hours at 22 dollars per hour. the more i think about it, and find out what my job is going to be like, the more i feel like 400 hours is too many.

job description: teach 10 students at an offsite vocational school. i get to work at a special school on the military base where the hindenberg (or whatever it was called) burned. yep-exciting huh. i need special badges and releases to even get onto the base every morning to teach. and when i do all that, i then am lucky enough to teach this small group of seniors (some very close in age to myself) all the english grammar and language they need to pass one single test to be taken the first week of march. thats it. thats my job. try to make some deliquents pass a test so that they can be high school graduates.

impressive isn't it.

i dont want to go.

it starts tomorrow. 8am i meet the teacher im replacing. 8am it starts. i want to find a job i cant wait to go to in the morning. i havent found it yet.

pray that this goes better than i expect it to.
im nervous. i hate starting new things.

start it over   
10:07pm 09/01/2006
  happy new year.

i just returned home from a trip to hawaii with meghan and liz. we were visiting kelly in honolulu, which was great fun.

it's been a while since i've written here, and after a rough finish in 2005 and some perspective about what i need to do in the new year, i've opted to start writting again.

i was in a tow truck returning home from the north shore with kelly when i heard on the radio that any form of journalling and or writing have a better state of mind. and i was reminded of a time when i wrote all the time, and while i might have been having a bad time or been sad with things going on, i always kept a smile on because once i put the words on the paper, the were no longer in my head.

and if the words are here, and not in my head, then maybe i'll stop crying. and maybe i'll become a better person. and maybe i can live again. and maybe i can spend more time enjoying the time i have here. you're only young once.

so, while this might be brief, be aware there is more to come...much much more to come.

welcome back readers.

10:15pm 21/02/2005
  they always say the "first's" in your life are momentus occasions. your first day of school, your first kiss, your first love. this weekend i had my first of another kind. a first that i wish didn't have to happen. a first that made my stomach knot for the last 5 days. yesturday i attended the first funeral that really hit me like a brick.

i've been to them before...funerals. for grandparents and people who had lived their whole lives. in the past they were "celebrations of life" not a gathering for a sudden death like this one. he was 22. not a close friend, but a close in-law who i've known since 6th grade because my brother was going out with his sister. i might not have had classes with him, or gone to parties with him, but we were in a wedding together, we gathered at family functions, we were godparents together.

when i found out he was dead, i couldnt believe it. with all the recent talk of drug abuse in other peoples lives, i never thought it was strike so close to home. for the last 2 years i've had the same conversation week after week with my best friend...her brother uses, and her brother would never learn until it happens to him. it didnt happen to him, but it happened.

i may never understand it, but i hope it serves as a reminder to everyone else out there as a wake up call. i never should have been him-he had a plan to make his life better. this is not better. not better for any of us.

and while i shouldnt be as upset as i am....like i said, we were hardly close friends. this was the first funeral i shouldnt have been at. this is the first time i had to deal with death on a whole new level.
the first time   
11:32pm 19/11/2004
  its funny, that i remember of all things, the first time i met him. it had to be 5 years ago, at least. it was the summer, i was at pier 18 mall, stopping in to see one of my friends (if i could only remember was it ray or tom who introduced us) at koseff's surf shop. yep. right in the back, across from the cd shop. i was just visiting, on my way out for the night, and he came in. he seemed like every typical kid in the world.

except i remember one thing. i never met this kid i went to high school with for 3 years, never met a kid that i worked down the street from all summer but he still told me to come stop in his shop for a bagel one day on my way in to work. i never stopped in.

so it wasnt until 3 summers ago that i was reintroduced to this kid. i finally had a new job and as it turns out, it was with his girlfriend. he only came in when he was drunk. and as the summer progressed, everyone was starting to see that he didnt come for the food at 4am when he was drunk with his friends. he came to order the cheapest thing off the menu, and to see me. his girlfriend knew it, he knew it...but me, i never saw it coming. he started working there a few days a week, and by the end of the summer, he was running my food almost every night.

so i guess at that point, it was easy to ask for my number. and boy did he use it. i remember days when all of my missed call logs were his number. but i never called back. what did a kid like that want to do with a girl like me? and besides, at the time i had enough friends to keep track of, this one more that nobody new was pointless. so i put him on the back burner, talked to him at my convinence, and didnt really care about anything beyond that.

in the fall, he broke up with his girlfriend, and by december he told me he liked me. still, i wanted nothing to do with it, boys had cooties. january he started school with me, and our friendship finally developed. by march he'd confessed his love to me a dozen or more times. but silly me, i was having too much fun living my life to want to start my first real relationship with a guy who'd become almost like a best friend to me.

in early april, i told him i loved him, but i still couldn't commit. he was at his wits end he was moments away from giving up on any chance with me. each day i put him off tore him apart.

so on april 18th, i let something new inside of me. i stepped out of my safe zone, and i became his girlfriend.

we had our good times and our tough times, our fights and our make ups. everyone in the world has at one point declared us the best couple ever. we were perfect.

until this summer. the summer before our last year of college together. the summer that might be the last for some of us. so he declared it time for a break, a breather.

he said he loved me, he told me he still wanted to marry me, but then he put me on the back burner, he told me he needed time to live for himself, and that he didnt want to care about anyone else for a while .

it came full circle. but we're both still here. now im at my wits end . its not my choice to decide when we get back together, or even if we do. but he still talks about marrying me. he still kisses me like he means it, and he still holds me like i've never been felt before.

so maybe growing up is important. maybe i just got all out of my system before april 18th a few years back. now its his turn to pick the start date.

and its now up to me to keep smiling, keep trying, and make him realize whats waiting for him at the end of the tunnel.
     Read 2 - Post
My apoligies   
11:20pm 29/09/2004
  This is my apology.

i turned into something i never thought i could become. and just when i thought i could go back to what it was before...i became worse.

it's been so long, that i hardly remember anything else. and it scares me.
maybe thats the hardest part of it all...the going back. it's not that i didnt like it back then, or that im not willing, it's just that i dont know how.

i dont know how to be the friend i used to be, i dont know how to be the student i used to be, i dont know how to be anything anymore.

not only have i just started my last semester at college, but i'm trying to plan my future, figure out what i want to do next...and its impossible because everyone around me is telling me just to erase the last year and a half and go back to something i havent been in 7 seasons. do you know how impossible it is to take back two amazing summers, life changing winters and unforgetable falls?

just as impossible as it has been to try and remember everything that happened in the amazing years before it. and trying to find a graceful way to just fall back into that part of my life. well, i've been trying, and it's not as easy as it looks.

not only are the jeans way tighter now, but there are a lot more feelings involved with everything. everything i do, everything thing you say...it surrounds me.

so when i overreact...it's the new heart in the old body. i dont understand when a joke is a joke, or when a my bitter sarcasm is just an excuse to pretend i dont love anymore...

pretend i didnt grow a heart in the last 2 years, pretend like i still couldnt feel a thing. because i remember those days, and while things might have been easier then, the weren't have as much fucking fun.

it took me until tonight, through all of our chats, calls, and love conversations about this to finally see what i've been putting you through. to see that not only am i not what you need right now, but im something i never ever wanted to be.

but really, i blame you for part of it. it was your idea, it was you who started it all...so i guess i have no choice but to take some of it out on you.

i've taken a year and a half of your life away...i think i've taken enough. so it's been fun, and its been hard, but it's my time to give in for you. you asked me for one thing, and i couldnt give it to you.

this is it. time to go back. its not always about me. its about life, its about change, its about growing up, its about never settling, and most of all, its about friendship. and as comfortable as life might become, you can never let it take away from the one thing we all take for granted.

here's to the future, because the present is rocky as hell.

09:03pm 26/07/2004
  so its the end of july. all im supposed to be thinking about is working, summer classes, partying, having fun, and being done college in 2 semesters/9months/300days.

but there's more on my mind. growing up is one thing. getting a real job is perfectly fine with me. yes, i'm a little scared cuz im still not 100% sure of what i want to, or where i want to go, but thats not my concern these days.

everytime i complain about something little with bill--and threaten or contemplate breaking up with him, his only response is "after all this you're going to break up with me now?"

and then he proceeds to get frustrated and angry when i get sad about his declared move to california in may.

why am i sad? because im not sure if im going yet. i might get a job here, i might get a job in texas, but i cant garentee im going with him...which of course makes me sad. i've got everything i need here, well...that's as long as he stays too.

and now his plan is to move out to cali for winter break. as a trial run...without me, and with an internship.

i cant stop him...its his life...he's not mine or anything. and im not saying california might not be the best place in the world...but how good can it be for a girl who's never been there, and who's not sure she's gonna get to move there in december, or may, or whenever.

like he constantly says...we've made it this far. i just really dont want things to come crashing down because of 3000miles.

i just wish i knew more now so i could plan ahead....but we're unpredictable.
01:07pm 19/06/2004
  im in love.
and it hurts.

i've never really done this before, so i dont know how to act some times. usually i think that as long as i still feel love for him, its worth sticking around. but other times, im not sure if its really worth all the trouble.

my stomach has hurt for the last three days. i eat on occasion. my mind is not my own anymore. all my thoughts revolve around what he might be doing wrong. or how close he is going to come to ruining the rest of my life.

maybe ruin is the wrong word for this, but whatever he does cant be good for me. or my mind, or my heart.

we're young. but does that make everything okay? and if so, can someone please explain to me why. because for the last 2 months i've been pretending i understand. pretending it makes sense to keep a certain distance. to make it okay to do what we do.

but distance instills fear. and fear creates assumption, and assumption leads to anger, anger to spite and spite to demise.

i hate to be cliche, but don't piss on my leg and tell me its raining. we're not really okay are we? we're not really headed towards better days and bliss are we?

change doesnt just happen.
you say things around you, your friends, your life, your everything...
but will that really change you? or just your setting.
you have to change for yourself, before everything else changes, while everything else changes, and after everything else around you changes to make yourselve what you need to be.

if you wait for change to find you, you'll never find yourself.
you may never find me either.

so i'll call this shot. make it to change or to death. because we have lost all control of what exists between the two.

04:27pm 21/05/2004
  Bitter- May 20, 2004

im as bitter as the lemonade
that i drank the other day
im bitter at myself
for pushing you away
im bitter at you
for not feeling the same way
im bitter with our friends
with the ideals that they fake
im bitter with the siutation
and the choices we cant make
im bitter that you feel this way
and that i dont feel the same
im bitter with myself these days
because im the one to blame.
02:06pm 19/05/2004
  14 months exactly.

do we call it quits, go back to friends, miss out on love, live life fearlessly, and end up in each others arms in 4 months. or is it bigger than that. is this it? has life as ive known it for the last 14 months about to be uprooted and killed? it took me quarter of a year to ruin a relationship, and another half figuring out how...then one person to make me want to change those last mistakes into something new, something challenging, something amazing. that something amazing has been the last 14 months of my life. and now he wants it to dissappear for a while.

but not disappear, more like go back to 15+ months ago when things were different for us. friends yes, in love yes, lovers on occation, but nothing more. no ties, no committments, no apologies, no nothing.

no nothing except the unwritten contract that says we'll stay practically the same all summer while things are being worked out...the same routine, the same jobs together, the same sleeping together, the same sex, the same i love yous with the clause that says as soon as he's ready we'll go back and start right here, right where we are. back here like nothing happened. like there was no one else, like there was nothing but this "distance"

but this "distance" is false. what is distance when after you tell me you want it not for ladies but for friends. this distance means we still work together 40+ hours a week. this distance means we'll still be taking classes together this summer. this distance means i'm invited to crash at your place whenever i need to. this distance means i can have sex with you all the time. THIS DISTANCE MEANS YOU WANT TO HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO. this distance has false pretenses. this distance means you want a free pass to cheat on me. this free pass is a cop out on our relationship. this free pass is not growing up. this free pass is you not having the balls to tell your friends that you like me more than you like them. this distance bullshit.

and you know it.
everyone knows it.
your friends, my friends, everyone. everyone.

this distance, at its true root should mean no us. in your distance, we are still here. WE. distance means you and i not us. do you want you and i? or do you want us. simple choice.

01:45pm 19/05/2004
  love is a funny thing.

its amazing,
its instantaneous,
its accidental,
its the best feeling on earth
its the worst feeling on earth
its life
its growing up
its something two people share
its unrequited
its butterflies in your stomach
its new
its bliss
its beautiful
its open ended
its never definative
its trust
its gone but never forgotten
its not permanent